How can I be more resilient?
Has anyone ever told you that you’re a resilient person?
Have you wondered if that’s a compliment or not?
Have you ever felt kinda sick of being resilient?
Honestly, what does it even mean to be resilient?
Resilience refers to an individual’s ability to adapt well to life’s challenges and stressors. It involves having flexibility and the ability to adjust your approach when needed. Sounds like a great quality to have, right?
But many of us may not feel very resilient. We might really struggle with the ability (or even desire) to “bounce back” in hard times.
Maybe we’re tired.
Maybe the challenges have piled up too high.
Maybe we’re tired of getting up time and time again.
Or maybe we have a misconception of what resilience actually looks like.
Before we talk about how to build more healthy resiliency within ourselves, it’s important to talk about the unhealthy approach. Resilience is NOT pushing forward relentlessly, no matter the cost.
A healthy approach to resilience involves giving yourself time to recover and to reflect. It’s not about pretending nothing is wrong and plastering a smile on your face. Sustainable, healthy resilience focuses on acknowledging the reality of the challenge we’re facing and gradually moving forward. It does NOT center on denying that there’s a problem or rushing ourselves to meet a certain timeline for “moving on”. In order to be truly resilient, we have to take the time to care for ourselves.
Maybe you’re feeling like you’ve seen more of the unhealthy approach than the healthy one. If that’s the case, you might need to reevaluate how you view what it means to be resilient.
The good news about resilience is that it’s a skill. We have the ability to strengthen it, or even to build it from the ground up.
If we want to build resilience, we need a place to start. Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg developed a list of “7 C’s of Resilience” in his research on building resilience in children and adolescents. Honestly, I believe that these concepts apply for adults as well!
You haven’t missed your window. Let’s explore these concepts, learn how they make us more resilient, and look at some practical tips on how we can strengthen these qualities.
“7 C’s of Resilience”
Competence
Competence is our ability to navigate different situations. We often talk about having competencies in different areas - these are the things that you’re good at! What talents do you have? What things do others ask you to explain or teach to them? What do you do well, consistently? We’re not looking for perfection - you are human, at the end of the day. But consider - what are the tasks you complete in your daily life that you can reliably replicate?
Competence builds our resilience by naturally pointing to different strengths and abilities that we have. Chances are, these are things we can rely on when life get difficult. Additionally, a feeling that we are competent at something often builds a sense of confidence (but I’m getting ahead of myself here!)
How can you build competence? Here are a few ideas to try:
Try something new - Even if you’re not immediately good at it, keep trying!
Try building mastery - Identify something to learn and find ways to challenge yourself a little more every day.
Try asking a friend - What strengths do they notice in you? Are there things they see that you don’t give yourself credit for?
Confidence
Competence and confidence are really intertwined - it’s hard to talk about one without talking about the other. That’s because, ideally, when we acknowledge that we are competent at something, we feel more confident in ourselves and in our abilities. This requires some level of self-compassion, however. You could be the most talented person in the world, but if you can’t acknowledge your own strengths (or you can’t accept positive feedback), you’ll never gain the confidence to match your level of competency.
Confident people are more resilient because they have faith in their ability to bounce back. Setbacks don’t cause them to crumble, because they know they have the skills to keep moving forward, no matter how long it takes. They’re not afraid of risking failure, because they know failing is an essential step for growth.
Practice some of these things to grow your confidence:
Practice self-reflection - What do you like about yourself? What are you proud of?
Practice self-compassion - Accept that you’re human, with plenty of flaws, and still deserving of love and connection.
Practice “opposite action” - If you don’t feel confident yet, think about how you would act if you did. Can you try doing any of those things?
Connection
Connection is simply the idea that we need other people. Humans function best in community. Having a healthy and wide-ranging social support system is essential to navigating our lives. We need to feel connected to others In order to feel that we can keep moving forward.
Connection is crucial to resilience. Think about this: have you ever really been struggling and close to giving up on something challenging? In those moments, sometimes the most motivating thing to think about is who we would have to answer to if we threw in the towel. Having someone in our corner, holding us accountable, can make us more willing to stick it out when things get challenging. Additionally, having a good support system means that we have people to rely on in tough times. Not only do we have access to our own competencies, but we have access to the skills, abilities, and resources of the people closest to us as well.
Here are some ways to build connections with people:
Invest in your people - Reach out to a friend today. Plan to spend time together, or just let them know you’re thinking of them
Meet some new people - Try a new group activity! Book clubs, running groups, Pilates class, karaoke night - put yourself out there to meet new folks.
Be a support for people - Do you know someone who’s having a hard time being resilient right now? How can you offer support?
Character
How would you describe your character? Who do you think you are deep down? What characteristics or traits make you, you? A strong character and clear alignment with our values keeps us pointed in the right direction. When we know who we are and what we’re working towards, it makes the bigger picture a little bit more discernible.
Additionally, there may be specific character traits that make us more resilient people. Perseverance. Resourcefulness. Creativity. A good sense of humor. All of these things (and more) impact the way we view the world. Therefore, they impact how optimistic we are about what’s ahead of us.
Here are some things to think about when it comes to character:
Think about your character - How would you describe your personality? How would others describe your personality? Maybe even ask people you trust for honest feedback!
Think about your values - What matters most to you? What do you want your life to look like? Spend some time thinking about the kind of life you want.
Think about your actions - If you notice a disconnect between what you value and how you’re currently acting, how can you make changes so that your actions point you towards your values?
Contribution
Contribution is about the impact we have on the world around us. It feels good to contribute something to the world! And no - it doesn’t have to be on such a large scale. We can contribute things to our family, our community, a group that we’re a part of, or even to just one other person. It’s easy to feel isolated, especially when we’re going through tough times. Having a sense that we are a small part of a bigger picture makes us feel more connected.
When we know that we have a unique way that we can give back, or a crucial role to fill, we start to feel a sense of responsibility to making our world a better place. Having some kind of community involvement or a way of contributing to others keeps us motivated to adapt to new situations.
There are so many ways to contribute - try giving in these ways:
Give thought - Where can you make a difference? What causes, organizations, or needs speak to you?
Give time - Where can you spend some time volunteering? How can you advocate for others?
Give resources - Where can you donate monetarily? What goods are needed? How can you support mutual aid?
Coping
This one is pretty straightforward: do you feel like you have what you need to cope well with whatever life throws at you? What coping skills have you gathered throughout your life? How confident are you in your ability to use them when you need them?
When we have the tools we need and the ability to use them when needed, we feel more able to problem-solve and find a path forward. Remembering how we’ve coped well before can help us find the strength to do it again.
Here are some ways to make coping a little easier:
Make a list - What coping tools do you already rely on? Can you compile a list that you keep easily accessible?
Make a plan - What situations do you find difficult to deal with? What are your triggers? Can you practice any skills now, before you need them?
Make a call - Do your friends have any tools that have been helpful to them? Can you reach out to a mental health professional to help build your coping toolbox?
Control
Our last “C” is control. How well can we tell the difference between the things that are in our control and the things that are out of our control? When we identify the things that are out of our control, can we accept them? When we identify the things that are in our control, can we develop a plan to make the changes we need to make?
Not being able to tell the difference between these things can really cause problems when it comes to resiliency. If we feel like everything is within our control, we may find ourselves spending more energy on fighting reality rather than on doing any “bouncing back”. If we feel like nothing is within our control, we lose our sense of agency and autonomy, and can easily fall into inaction.
To strengthen control, think about what you need to accept:
Accept some perspective - Make a list of what’s worrying you. Can you separate each item into categories based on what you can and can’t control?
Accept what’s out - Practice radical acceptance of the things that are outside of your control.
Accept what’s in - Identify what changes you can make, given what’s actually in your control.
What Next?
Resilience is a skill - and like any skill, it doesn’t develop overnight. As you identify ways to build your resiliency, try to give yourself credit for the areas where you shine. Acknowledge your wins, as small as they might seem.
Think about this: you’ve overcome so many challenges to get where you are, and you’re still here. Sounds pretty resilient to me!