What’s radical acceptance?

Life kinda sucks sometimes, right?

That’s not to say that it’s always bad! There are plenty of lovely people to spend time with, beautiful places to travel to, and wonderful experiences to have.

But sometimes, life majorly sucks - and it doesn’t really help to sugar coat it.

There’s no silver lining bright enough to distract from the fact that life is incredibly hard sometimes. Truly bad, terrible, unfair things happen. Circumstances outside of our control rear their ugly heads, and occasionally we will be put into what feels like a lose/lose scenario, through no fault of our own.

Okay, this is kinda a bummer…

Some things, we can’t “cope” away. We can’t distract ourselves until it gets better, because the situation itself is not going to magically get better. A brutal breakup. Climate change. A life-changing diagnosis. The death of a loved one. No matter how much energy and effort we may put into trying, there are some things that just cannot be changed.

This is where radical acceptance comes in.

This is also where some of us automatically tune out.

“Are you crazy? This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. What do you mean that I need to accept it?”

“I could never accept something that’s so terrible.”

“If I accept it, I’m saying that it’s okay they did that to me. I’m not ready to forgive them.”

This is a pretty common response to being told that you need to “accept” what is quite possibly the worst news you’ve ever heard. It can feel callous, unrealistic, or just plain stupid. But if the choice of words describing this concept are enough to turn us away, we’re missing out on the very concept that might actually bring us some peace and comfort in hard times.

Okay, fine. What is it, then?

Because radical acceptance is so misunderstood, it may be more helpful to talk about what it’s NOT before we talk about what it IS. Radical acceptance is not giving up. It’s not throwing in the towel, or saying “Oh well, can’t do anything here”.

It’s not condoning the actions of others. It’s not saying “I accept what you did, so we’re all good now.”

It’s not approval. We don’t have to say that a bad thing is actually good. We don’t have to find that silver lining.

It’s not even compassion or love. We don’t have to welcome an abusive or harmful person back into our life, or offer forgiveness to someone before we feel ready to.

Here’s what radical acceptance actually is: accepting that our current reality is as it is.

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Dr. Marsha Linehan describes radical acceptance by saying, “It’s when you stop fighting reality, stop throwing tantrums because reality is not the way you want it, and let go of bitterness.”

When we radically accept something, we also let go of the idea we may have of living in an ideal world - the world where everyone is treated fairly, where life pans out exactly the way we plan, and where bad things don’t happen to good people. We’re not saying that we don’t want to live there, or even that improvements to our current world aren’t possible. We’re just saying that we don’t live in that ideal world right now.

Through radical acceptance, we acknowledge that we’re living in a world that doesn’t abide by the rules of what “should” and “shouldn’t” happen. And even though it feels very counterintuitive, by acknowledging this, we actually set ourselves up to make our world a little more ideal.

How does that work?

Here’s an example: consider someone who’s really struggling with depression. When they realize they’re struggling, they have a few options on how to deal with it.

They could resist their reality. They could carry on as if absolutely nothing is wrong. They could tell themselves that there’s no good reason they should be feeling this way. They could ignore that their appetite has disappeared, they’re sleeping 10 hours a day, and that they’re isolating themselves from everyone they love. They could choose not to accept their reality.

Or, they could acknowledge their reality. They could identify that for whatever reason, they are really struggling right now. They could stop blaming themselves for what they “should” be doing, and recognize that there’s a very real obstacle in their way - a mental health issue that needs to be addressed.

Which of these approaches do you think is more likely to lead to change?

Probably not the first one, right? Because in order to change our reality, we first have to accept it. If you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t have a problem, why on earth would you try to fix it? You don’t have a problem, remember?

It’s only by accepting our current reality that we can start to make changes to our future reality. When they acknowledge how much they’re struggling, they are then able to reach out and get the help that they need. THIS leads to change.

What do we need to accept?

We need to accept our current reality, while at the same time understanding that it doesn’t necessarily predict our destiny.

We need to accept that we’re struggling now - we don’t need to accept that we’ll struggle like this forever. We can’t know the future.

We need to accept that some things are entirely out of our control - we don’t need to accept that NOTHING is within our control. That’s simply not true.

We need to accept that life will be painful sometimes - we don’t have to accept that life has no purpose because of this. As Dr. Linehan says, “Life can be worth living even with painful events in it.”

Radical acceptance is not a one-time decision. Old habits die hard, and it’s natural to find ourselves drifting away and fighting reality once again. You may notice that you have a lot of “should” thoughts - “It shouldn’t be this way.” “I shouldn’t be struggling like this.” “Things were supposed to turn out differently.” You might become aware of feelings like anger, bitterness, annoyance, or even the fact that you’re avoiding emotions altogether.

When this happens, notice it. Acknowledge that you’re drifting away from acceptance, and gently redirect yourself towards it. It’s a normal part of the process, not a failure. We may even have to radically accept that we’re having a really hard time with radical acceptance.

Tara Brach focuses more on our internal experience when she writes about what she considers the “two wings” of radical acceptance - seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion. We have to be mindfully aware of our internal experience, and then accept it for what it is, without judgment. And yes, that includes our difficulties with acceptance itself.

Radical acceptance is not an easy concept to master. It takes practice, time, and a willingness to continually redirect yourself back to the path of acceptance, again and again. It’s okay that it takes work! Be patient with yourself as you navigate it.

If you think you might need professional guidance as you try to build this into your life, reach out to Wonder Why Counseling. We’d love to connect with you about how radical acceptance can bring you peace and comfort in difficult times.

You can schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation here.