Why should I care about self-compassion?
“I screwed up again. I’m a total loser”
“Of course they don’t want to spend time with me. Who would?”
“I can’t rest, I haven’t earned it yet. I don’t deserve to take a break.”
“I can’t do anything right.”
Sound familiar? How often do you have thoughts like this about yourself? For a lot of us, thinking in terms like this is nothing new. It may not even seem like something worth noting.
When you really stop and think about it though, these thoughts are likely miles away from the way you think about anyone else. I’d be willing to bet that you don’t often think things like this about your friends or loved ones - and maybe not even about people you don’t like! And yet, for some reason, thinking like this is just a normal Tuesday activity for you.
If this sounds like you, odds are that you could use some self-compassion.
What on Earth Is Self-Compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as “the process of turning compassion inward.” Her research identifies three primary components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
Mindfulness means that we call our struggles what they are - not something that we need to “suck up” or “power through”, but a struggle. Common humanity reminds us that it’s a part of the human condition to be flawed and imperfect. Making mistakes doesn’t mean that we aren’t deserving of love and belonging; it just means we’re human. Self-kindness leads us to step in and do something to alleviate our suffering, through kind words, gestures, or by simply giving ourselves a break.
To state it another way, self-compassion is the ability to treat ourselves with kindness. It’s acknowledging all of our imperfections, our struggles, and our past mistakes, and still choosing to believe that we deserve good things in our lives. It’s also choosing to act on that belief to do kind things for ourselves.
Okay, Cool. Why Does it Matter?
Studies have shown that self-criticism poses significant risks to our wellbeing. It negatively impacts our relationships, brings up feelings of unworthiness and inferiority, can make therapy less effective, and makes us less resilient overall. In contrast, self-compassion causes people to “suffer less and thrive more”. It leads to decreased anxiety, depression, and stress, and is associated with greater emotional intelligence.
Clearly, there’s something good going on here. But for many of us, the concept is still so foreign that we don’t even know where to start.
What Would That Even Look Like?
Of course, all of this is much easier said than done. Self-compassion may sound like a warm and fuzzy concept, but changing the way we speak to ourselves, treat ourselves, and even think about ourselves is not a simple task.
More than that, we might have real fears that being self-compassionate is just a way of being lazy or avoiding responsibility. I believe the opposite is true: self-compassion and personal accountability are not mutually exclusive. Actually, true self-compassion cannot exist without accountability.
Self-compassionate behavior is much less about the specific actions we take, and much more about the mindset we’re in as we make them.
Think of it this way: let’s say I was planning to go to the gym after work, but I’ve had a really terrible day. I’ve basically got two options here: go to the gym, or go home. However, I can choose either option from a place of self-criticism or a place of self-compassion.
Coming from a self-critical point of view, if I skip the gym, I may be thinking about how lazy I am, or how I can’t ever follow through on the things I need to do. I’m “giving myself a break”, but I’m mentally tearing myself down the whole time (which doesn’t sound very restful to me!)
However, if I make that same choice (skipping the gym) from a more compassionate point of view, I can remind myself that I need and deserve rest. I know that one decision doesn’t determine who I am as a person, or say anything about how motivated I am to reach my goals. I get to give myself a break, physically and mentally.
Let’s say I decide to go to the gym, and I think about it through a lens of self-compassion. I can remind myself that exercise generally makes me feel better, and could possibly turn my bad mood around. Making this choice doesn’t mean I’m a good or bad person - it’s simply the choice I’m making today.
In that self-critical mindset, even if I do decide to go to the gym, chances are that I’ll be thinking about how I should be working harder, that the effort I’m putting in still isn’t quite good enough. Turns out, there are very few “good choices” you can make if you’re consumed by that self-critical mindset.
How Do I Know If I Need It?
So, how do you know if you could use a little more self-compassion? You may be in need of a little more compassion if…
you’ve ever been told “You’re way too hard on yourself.”
you find that no matter how hard you work, you still feel that it’s not good enough
you’ve ever had the thought that you don’t deserve good things (or that you do deserve bad things)
you would NEVER hold anyone else to the standards you hold yourself to
you constantly work yourself to the point of exhaustion and burnout
you give everything you have to the people around you, but put yourself on the back burner
you can participate in “self-care” activities, but feel ashamed and guilty the entire time
If anything here hits a little too close to home, your relationship with self-compassion is probably something worth exploring.
Well, What Next?
Good news: self-compassion is for everyone! We can all develop more compassion for ourselves through time, practice, and intentionality.
Bad news: it takes time, practice, and intentionality (Sorry!).
More good news: Building awareness of the problem is always the first step, so you’re well on your way! Here are a few more steps that can help you along your journey.
Get curious. When you notice that critical inner voice popping up, try to explore it. Where is it coming from? What does it sound like? What is it trying to do for you?
Gently redirect. Once you’ve started noticing that criticism, acknowledge it and offer an alternative. “Ouch, that kinda hurts to hear. I don’t think that I really believe that about myself. I know I’m trying my hardest.”
Think about a friend. When self-critical thoughts come up, ask yourself: “Would I ever say this to a friend?” If the answer is no, try to treat yourself like you would that friend or loved one.
Talk to a professional. Self-compassion is hard work. It can be helpful to reach out to a professional to help you sort through these thoughts and give more personal guidance on how to build self-compassion into your life.
Whatever step feels doable right now is a great place to begin. It’s not all or nothing! Every step you take towards self-compassion matters.
If you do feel that you could benefit from working with a professional on this, reach out to Wonder Why Counseling. I’d love to connect with you to talk about working together!
You can schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation here.