How do I “feel my feelings”?

If you’ve been in therapy (or on TikTok) at some point in your life, you’ve probably heard discussion about needing to “feel your feelings”. It sounds nice, and it’s definitely catchy. But you may be wondering - what does that actually mean? And how do I actually do it? Let’s explore what it can look like to actually feel your feelings, and why it might matter more than you think.

While people may differ on whether they consider “emotions” and “feelings” to be separate concepts, the reality is that most people use these terms interchangeably. So when we talk about feeling your feelings, we’re really talking about urging people to fully experience their emotions.

You may be thinking - this is silly, of course I feel my emotions. I know when I’m angry, or sad, or happy. And if that’s true for you, that’s great! However, it’s a lot more nuanced than that. Some people may not be able to identify what they’re feeling in any given moment. Others may identify the feeling, but rather than fully feeling it, they ignore or suppress it. Some may numb or distract to dull intense emotions, or intellectualize rather than being in the present moment with whatever they’re feeling. Let’s break down what it could actually look like to intentionally feel a feeling.

What am I even feeling?

Like most things, we start with awareness. Some people have real difficulties identifying what they’re feeling. There are a few different approaches we can take when it comes to identifying our emotional state. One popular method is to use a feelings wheel. This kind of tool can build our emotional vocabulary and allow us to describe what we’re experiencing with more nuance. Although you might have a general sense that you’re angry, it’s a very different experience to be aggressive versus intimidated, or bitter versus intimidated.

Another approach we can take is to tune in with what’s happening in our bodies. While every person experiences things differently, there are some things that generally tend to come up with specific emotions. You may notice that when you’re anxious, your hands get clammy, or you start to shake. When you’re mad, you might feel flushed and start to get warmer. When you’re happy, you might feel a lightness in your body, or find it hard to stop smiling. Tuning into these physical sensations over time can teach us our body’s unique responses to different emotions.

Something else to be aware of is the “action urge” associated with an emotion. What do you find yourself wanting to do when you start to feel this way? If you’re feeling a strong urge to isolate, you may be dealing with sadness or shame. A desire to avoid may point to anxiety, and an urge to yell or fight might signify anger. You don’t actually have to DO the thing that you’re feeling an urge to do - the urge itself points to an emotion.

If you’re newer to emotion identification, it might be helpful to play back what was happening right before you started feeling this way. What was the situation that prompted this emotion? Did you feel like you were in danger? Did you feel you were being treated unjustly? Did things just not turn out the way you wanted them to? These kinds of situations are each likely to prompt something specific. You might check in with yourself to see if anxiety, anger, or sadness resonates with you if any of those scenarios apply.

Okay, now what do I do with it?

Once you’ve identified the emotion, it’s time to really allow yourself to feel it. Unfortunately, this is trickier than it sounds. Many people have long-standing beliefs about our emotions that interfere with our ability to experience them in the moment. Maybe you learned at some point that it wasn’t safe to feel angry, or that if you let yourself feel sad, it would last forever. Maybe there’s a belief that you should avoid being happy because at some point, the other shoe is going to drop. Or you learned that it was morally or spiritually wrong to experience anxiety, jealousy, or envy.

It can take some time and effort to unpack all of these beliefs, and to uncover all the subtle (and unsubtle) ways we distract from our emotions. Some people straight up ignore it and pretend it’s not happening. Some people find a million different ways to distract themselves in the moment. Some people turn to things that make them feel numb to avoid any emotion at all. Some people get so deep into trying to understand where the emotion is coming from that they bypass the actual “feeling” part altogether.

What we want to do is create some space for ourselves to be present and notice what’s going on within us. We want to allow ourselves to actually experience the emotion, regardless of whatever discomfort it brings along with it. To do this, you can remind yourself some truths about feelings:

“I’m allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling right now”

“I can feel this emotion without having to act on it”

“This feeling won’t last forever, no matter how unpleasant it is”

When we give ourselves permission to feel, we free ourselves to be fully present in the moment.

I’m present and this sucks - what now?

Now, you just notice. Pay attention to the sensations and thoughts that you’re having, without trying to make them “mean anything”. There are plenty of visualizations and approaches you can use:

You can pay attention to where the emotion shows up in your body - do you feel it in your chest? Stomach? Hands? Is it cool or hot? Sharp or dull? How big is it? Does it move around or stay put?

You can visualize that as you breathe in and out, you’re opening up space within yourself to hold that emotion. You can remind yourself that as big as the emotion may feel, you’re able to survive it.

You can engage with soothing touch by placing a hand on the part of your body where you feel the emotion most intensely. Imagining that it’s the hand of someone you love, you can send some warmth to this area to hold it gently.

You can simply label the emotion for what it is - an emotion. Instead of saying “I’m so sad”, you can say, “Here is sadness”. By doing this, you give yourself a bit of separation from the emotion, rather than making it a part of your identity.

Putting it all together

There are truly so many approaches you can take here, but the end goal is the same: to notice the feeling, allow yourself to experience it, and then experience it. By doing this, we allow ourselves to access the full range of human emotion, without feeling that any are off limits to us, or that we’re not safe feeling some. We get more in tune with the present moment, and we get more in tune with ourselves.

The goal here isn’t to “sit with our feelings” totally quiet and zen 24/7, experiencing our feelings and doing nothing else. It’s also not to “understand” our emotions so much that we spend all of our time thinking about them instead of feeling them. We want to feel our feelings so that we can free up some of our energy.

It takes a lot of energy to suppress how we’re feeling, or to distract and numb out. When that energy is freed up, we can use it to pursue the things that matter to us most. Our emotions become a normal part of our day-to-day lives, rather than the main thing running the show. We get our lives back.

If you could use some help from a mental health professional to navigate this process, reach out! You can schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation here.